Hope Inside Despair

 

Sometimes when life kicks you in the gut, you want to scream out or fight back. Yet, you are helpless. The invisible force of time moves you into and slowly out of  situations where you are just there for the experience. You cannot stop anything from happening. You cannot bring back time to moments before. The only thing you can do is breathe.

Breathing helps you regain your footing. As you stand up, you breathe deep inside you to find your strength. You ignore what is not going to help you be strong and push through with everything you have.

At least, that is what I learned to do the day my brother died. It took me along time to find myself again. We were really close. And, his death was a tragic accident. It was certainly a shock to hear he was not going to make it out of the event. It felt like I was in a nightmare. And, my life spun out of control.

To this day, I have wonders of where I would be had I never known that pain. Would I be married to my husband or writing anything? Before his death, I was in school on my way to a productive career somewhere. After his death, I lost my will to continue.

It is hard to have motivation when your heart hurts. You feel trapped. After people stop coming around, the world continues forwards and you are left alone with your thoughts. Mourning happens differently for everyone. And no one has the right to tell a person what they “should” be or feeling like during their grieving process.

For me, I found strength in myself. I didn’t need anyone around me to help me. But, I did it the hardest way possible. Lying in the field of grass looking up at the stars asking a creator to trade my life for my brothers isn’t exactly handling it well. I found myself numb to any human interaction. If it didn’t involve drinking I wanted nothing to do with it.

After awhile, you begin to realize this isn’t working for you. So, you start to pick up pieces of yourself. One by one, the pieces comes back together. You aren’t completely the same; but you are becoming one again. Judgments are always going to be apart of this life. People always think they know best; yet, they aren’t the ones ever dealing with the burdens another carries.

As I pieced myself back together, I found a place where I could heal and reflect without feeling sadness or the desire to be removed from life. I found myself looking forwards to life. I wanted to love again. I wanted to connect with people. And, I found no matter how many nasty people I interact with in my journey back to being normal, I am still better off alive than dead. I have something to share and something worth living for. And that is where my hope and strength come from.

Life doesn’t have to be nasty. We make it so. Forget. Forgive. And get on with it now.

 

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