For a long time, I have struggled to understand people around. I have stayed up many nights trying to figure out why this person did this and that person does that. From friends to family, I have raked my brain trying to place the simplest understandings on my experiences with them. And, for the most part, I get nowhere with this.
I have often wondered how it feels to never have lost a close family member and not have anyone around you truly understand what you are going through. I have wondered how it feels to not invite someone to your wedding that you have known literally all your life. Or to cause someone pain by being a crappy friend when you could be good to others. Or to hate someone for something so small as their belief? And many more questions…
My questions are never going to truly be answered by anyone I need them to be answered by. The truth is none of it matters. I have given up a long time ago from trying to fit in. Now, I live my life and hope I can make something good come out of it. I am going to be judged for the good things I do. Just the same as I am going to be crucified for the mistakes I make or have made. I’m not able to perfectly walk the line and have the majority of people in my life like me. I am only able to be me and whomever sticks around I can share my life with and whomever doesn’t, I will not.
I don’t see this as a negative thing anymore. Growing up I always thought I was going to have this huge loving family around me. I thought for sure traditions we used to have would be traditions we kept until the day we died. But, that is not how it is for me. Traditions can be kept; but new versions are implemented. I no longer have a real desire to be perfect. I want to be me. Who am I? I am still learning that every day. At the core, I am good and live by honesty. If I hurt your feelings with my honesty, at least you know its coming from a good place. Yet, I do not go around bullying people with “honesty”. Most of the time, I unknowingly hurt feelings.
Why do I share this? I share to help you see how relationships can cause you more negativity than positive in some situations. You have to be willing to let them all go in order to find the positive ones. When you move out the negative relationships, you have space for new ones to come in. Not all new, are good; but with a little effort you can find those positive ones.
You can start with understanding yourself. It isn’t as hard as it seems because you are always around yourself. Get off the social media craze and into your real life. Begin to explore things about yourself that was never thought about. Perhaps you discover you like a food you always thought you didn’t like because someone around you told you it was gross. Or maybe join a different kind of fitness program, and form an opinion based on exposure to it. There are so many ways you can learn about yourself here. And, when you have figured it out, that is when you are ready to connect with other people.
How attractive is a person who is happy; verses a person who is depressed?
Life is better than this rat race we have limited ourselves too. You deserve happiness in the truest sense. You deserve to love yourself and your life. Forget the ugliness, just be yourself. Start with you, and see where the road takes you.